X-Cop Fly Company » depressed

I’m on the page and have to log in but posting via gVim cuz it’s l337 anyway…

xcopfly — Sat, 08 Jan 2011 05:13:08 +0000

it’s been busy here. been cleaning my room a bit. i came across the idea
“maybe the reason i’m always upset and obsessed with disappointments & regret &
stuff is because of the psychology of the old crap in my room from back then!”
they say symbols have psychological meaning, like in your dreams as well as all
the “phallic symbols” and “delta symbols” the advertising industry uses. so
maybe i see some artifact from junior high school and wished i didn’t fuck
things up back then and i get upset without realizing it.

i remembered my friend, a real “natural-only” type of person, had done feng
shui on her house. i didnt know much about it other than it was about putting
like stuff together.

so i looked up quite a bit. the “official” ways involving astrology, charms,
and other creepy stuff, which involved the earth’s magnetic poles and was
more about construction of the house rather than decorating and arranging
furniture, making claims that stuff like cancer clusters are caused by “bad
feng shui” rather than pollutants.

what i was referring to were two “western” ways.

the most popular one was called “BTB” and was developed by a new age cult
leader (Black Sect Tantric Buddhism) in the 80s. it laid the room out like a
grid, with stuff based on the front.

There was another one, similar to “BTB”, called “eight aspirations”, but rather
than a grid, it lays out a room like the tai chi symbol and the areas are
based on the earth’s magnetic poles. i thought that was a lot cooler, and with
two exceptions it isn’t a problem for me. it also involves a color scheme, so
that things don’t look out of place.

i kept in mind relics from school and what my mind might interpret souvenirs,
and stuff like that which hangs around, and was able to for the most part
organize my room according to the tai chi symbol. (my window faces almost
exactly west, and certain times of the day i can’t use the computer because
the sun is in my eyes). i cleaned up lots of crap, put lots of stuff away
and have two boxes of stuff to throw away whenever.

this took me two days or so, and i still got a bit to do, but for the most part
keeping things separate and themed seems to be making me less depressed. (that
and a messy room too)

–

i’ve also been busy this month with other things. i got the “easy” stuff done
and have the rest of the month for the “hard”.

–

and with all this, until writing this blog entry i have completely forgot about
fly papers volume ii. don’t worry, i just need to put in may and june (from the
output of the mediocre wordpress plugin i use) and clean things up for the
final book. but then volume iii starts, of course.

–

my dvd drive finally went. i have another one on the way from newegg. it has
lightscribe and wasn’t too much money. i have two dvd drives but the one
that broke was the first computer part to break from my current 3-year-old
dell machine. the machine consists mostly of parts i added myself, and
i’ll probably go back to building computers again. i know a bit more and
will probably get the heating stuff right this time.

–

off to dalnet and/or freenode. l8rz

it’s a long way…

xcopfly — Sat, 30 Oct 2010 01:52:09 +0000

it’s been a bad week. probably 20 years old and it finally went. i ordered a new one but it was pretty expensive. though i can afford more now that i’m not a kid anymore. it’s been a real bad half week. and it’s about to get worse this weekend. i think this is the only halloween i won’t be happy. halloween is the only holiday that doesn’t stress me out or piss me off. i hope this year’s memory doesn’t fuck up any other years. i’m still feelin’ the ugliness of every january and february for the past decade (or more) every january and february of every new year. builds up, you know. sometimes it bleeds into march, april, may, even june. the weather is getting colder and all i can think of is “how do i get through to the other side?” better put, “how long will it take?” the way out is through, as a brilliant man once sang. i can look forward to election day i guess, and my subsequent dentist appointment. (yes, the timing is perfect, both for the sugar and for the money.) i don’t want my halloween ruined, i really don’t. halloween is always the best, never the ugliest. actually i was laid off once around a halloween, damn it seems like the same damn year since i graduated college. no difference, no difference between 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, all the same. as will 2011 and probably even 2012, change isn’t always the change you’re looking for, or you might not even need it and wish it never happened. never changes. a woman who described her age as “ancient” laughed and told me i wasn’t old for being 26. but it doesn’t matter because there’s no going back. ever. money, time, anything – all a waste of money, time, and everything. please, god, let me make it to halloween with a few ounces of happiness, at least the fake type of happiness i’m always terrible at putting on. i can always laugh. and when i do, it’s tough to stop me. but i can never smile, and everyone can tell when i’m bullshitting about it. almost all those childhood pictures were a complete joke because the photographers would always give up on me at some point. halloween, all saints, election day, dentist, please… maybe i can sleep better, ok? i just want a fun halloween and i want nothing to ruin it. this stuff is going to happen at least once per year or so, starting now, it can’t break me, it’s wrong and sick for it to, and i wouldn’t dare stop it from happening. but it doesnt matter. i can just hang out and keep myself occupied until my eyes bleed and hands hurt, crashing to sleep at the last possible minute, and waking up thinking like i’m checking something off a list

i know what we need, and it’s not what they think…

xcopfly — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 10:16:28 +0000

the future, what is it? it’s frightening because there really isn’t a succeeding stage to look forward to. it gets me very upset and years ago i lost a job partly due to stress over it (there were other reasons, but that might have been all part of it). if you did things wrong back then, there are no opportunities but the next day at work. a friend told me that the issues in 2007 were due to a mixing of social and work life. my next job i kept that in mind. but to my emotional state it didnt matter. i cant be in quiet anymore without thinking bad things. this has severely damaged my faith as well, since church is generally quiet. i know i’m not alone in this, i’ve read other people in numerous situations like this. it’s like socialism – a real hard time unless everyone is a socialist. but it’s a rarity to find someone who isn’t retired and who follows god or jesus christ.. you can always learn from your mistakes but when you can’t re-apply them to the same groups of people because the situation doesnt exist. all i can think about is how many friends i upset in college and high school. but it’s years later, college is expensive, jobs are not needed and the fact that i’m 26 and hangnig around 18-21 year olds would make me seem like a sicko to people. there were a few older people back then, one of whom was in our circle, but i could be wrong about other people, and the price tag isn’t worth it either. everyone says the same thing, everyone has their problems, but nobody gets together and does anything about it. i know all this makes me sound like a hippie. but it’s embracing that which matters, such as faith, family, friends, thinking about the world and questioning it instead of apathy and impulsive mechanical living, and getting together to do all this, is the way to stop this mess.

so now i’ve reached the point of near-scientific proof, it’s not just me…

xcopfly — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 19:51:46 +0000

terrible. why? it doesn’t make sense! it shouldn’t make sense, something’s seriously wrong with this picture. what’s going on here? ;( it surely can’t be this way forever! scientifically! it’s impossible! and if it is, the world will never be the same…

Deleted my Facebook account…

xcopfly — Sun, 13 Jun 2010 21:06:56 +0000

All of it. Photos, likes, “friends”, groups, info, even my name. Then I deleted (not deactivated) the account. In other words, everything I could get rid of, I did. Now it’s gone. I feel a sort of emptiness inside, though I’m sure it’ll pass as it didn’t make a damn difference. It’s like a new world order, and an old world order, both at the same time…

Nostalgia Gone Wrong

xcopfly — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 07:00:17 +0000

Sometimes people listen to music because it reminds them of something. Except (in my case) it has come to a point where I feel miserable, either because I’m not there anymore, or that it came from a more hopeful time.

Right now, it’s this game I used to play – the game demands constant play and play with friends. If you ever take a break for a while, suddenly all your friends are way ahead of you. So I never got back into the game.

I found a new game and started playing it, it was fun, but when you get bored and close the window, you get upset again.

My stomach feels terrible and I barely ate my dinner. It tasted unusually bad. I think I need to sleep. Later

knowing you had so many chances years ago

xcopfly — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 09:28:27 +0000

unfortunately you made some stupid decisions, were incredibly gullible, then paid for it for the rest of your life. you got angry at all the wrong people, and eventually all the others just couldn’t support you because then they looked bad.

this was ten years ago. for the next 5 years you did your best to undo the disaster you had just come out of, you made quite some progress, but had a new hurdle this time to deal with – apathy. you tried different things, making yourself look different to different people, they just happened to all fail.

then people suggested ideas for you to clean things up, but while they were really getting well, ~10 years of mismanagement finally unleashed itself.

at the same time you were still working on bringing yourself (i.e. what you looked like to other people) up to par in other situations. but what you didn’t realize was that all those attempts were part of a single combined failure. and this time you paid an even larger price.

what troubles you now is the fact that the one thing that was there for you, when the school bully bothered you, when nobody would call you, or invite you here or there, when your professors didn’t like your politics, is now being turned against you. ruthless, sadistic, sociopathic (and obviously greedy) criminal thugs are trying to shut you out, silence you, and no matter where you move to get away from them, they shut off that opportunity fast, and more and more powerful threats to us are developed with every newspiece promoting these criminal acts.

whatever happened to the culture you created from nothing but your hands and materials from the earth? whatever happened to the values and traditions you once embraced? does it really take that much to become a soulless person and destroy everything precious to people, including both your own culture and (to some extent) the cultures of others? and why do so many of us accept what you are doing, simply because you use profitable moneymaking buzzwords look like a political ideology which you publicly and openly violate, which we know fully and still publicly and openly accept what you do?

there is no going back. there is no way to have the same chances i failed last time come back for me to throw new things at. there is only one thing to do. and that is what i have been failing at for decades. wait for something, try, and pray you don’t fail this time…